(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) If you learn from a very young age
that expressing your needs, your wants, your emotions
in any way led to being ignored or
rejected or dismissed or even conflict, such as
getting yelled at by a parent, then you're
going to learn a habit called self-abandonment.
And what that leads to is people pleasing
and ignoring your gut instincts and being really
perfectionist and criticizing yourself.
What this means is that if you are
a member of a community and you don't
feel like you are a member of that
community, then it's going to be very hard
to make space for yourself or to even
try to claim identity or kinship with that
community.
And that's what we're going to discuss here
on our last Pride Month episode of the
Feathermane Soul Wisdom Show.
You're listening to Feathermane Soul Wisdom, a podcast
for those looking to rediscover their wild spirit
in spite of life's challenges.
If you're living with a chronic illness or
neurodivergent or consider yourself disabled and you're looking
to connect with your own inner untamed essence,
then this show is for you.
Your host is Kit Kaelstow, Wild Spirit Storyteller.
Thanks for listening and now on to the
episode.
Hello everybody, I'm your host Kit Kaelstow and
this is our last Pride-specific episode as
it is the end of June 2026.
In our first episode, we talked about when
you don't feel like you're a part of
a community and when you don't feel like
either you can claim membership in that community
or that community sees you as a part
of it.
In our last episode last week, we talked
about things that communities can do to include
neurodivergent and disabled individuals.
And finally in this episode, I want to
follow up on a topic that I brought
up in that last episode which is making
space for yourself.
As I was doing some work for this
episode, it really kind of connected with me
that if we do not make space for
ourselves in a community and I'm not talking
about like running up to a Pride parade
and saying, hey let me in because I'm
queer.
What I'm talking about is actually believing that
we are a member of a community following
up on our lived experiences and honoring and
trusting those feelings inside of ourselves.
A good example of this is one of
the discussions that I've been seeing going around
my social media feeds especially here during Pride
is how do you know if you're trans?
And the point has been made that people
who are 100% cis never ever question
whether they're cis.
They never ever ever question their gender.
They know who they are and that's who
they are.
For people who are trans, even if it's
just a teensy little bit and you wonder,
you know, might I be trans?
And I've heard this said too in the
neurodivergent community.
People who are autistic who are not autistic
do not sit around wondering if they are
autistic for example.
And so if you're actually questioning that then
that's a good indication that you may need
to trust your instincts, trust your gut and
do some exploration.
Now the results of that exploration you may
explore and you may realize no no I'm
comfortable with my gender identity but you may
also explore and realize that no some things
in your life need to change.
And so doing that exploration that is a
way to combat self-abandonment.
Let me just start by taking a few
moments to talk a bit about self-abandonment.
Now I just want to preface this as
I always do.
I am not a mental health therapist.
I cannot diagnose.
I cannot treat any sort of condition.
I can certainly coach and help and stand
you know in solidarity with you.
I can hold space for you.
I can be a witness to what you're
going through and that's what I do as
a coach.
And so that's just where I'm coming from
here.
And if you do feel like you know
things are just you know there's things coming
up that you need to discuss.
If you're not feeling safe I encourage you
to seek help.
So let's talk about self-abandonment.
Self-abandonment pretty much starts in childhood and
it's when you learn that expressing your authentic
needs emotions or boundaries lead to conflict.
You know if you're a child and you
tell your parents you know oh I have
to go bathroom and instead of saying okay
let's find a bathroom they say oh not
again you just went or oh you should
have went when you you know left the
house.
That sort of thing if continued and if
it becomes a pattern can lead to self
-abandonment because basically you learn that every time
you express your needs every time you express
your emotions like if something hurts and you
cry and you're constantly chastised for crying you're
going to learn that those needs and emotions
are ignored or rejected by other people around
yourself.
And so then you learn to reject and
ignore those needs partly out of a pattern
and partly out of self-preservation.
Where self-abandonment comes into play is as
we become older as we become adults you
might notice yourself people pleasing.
You might notice yourself suppressing emotions.
You might notice yourself ignoring your gut instincts.
You might notice yourself not having really solid
boundaries or being a real perfectionist and being
really critical of yourself.
Now there's there's ways to actually work with
this and the first step is obviously be
aware of it.
The other step is self-compassion and self
-reflection and that's where I really want to
focus here today is that self-compassion that
radical acceptance of yourself and your needs no
matter what you think about them.
That self-compassion treating yourself the way you
treat a loved one you care about the
way you would treat a beloved companion animal
that that self-compassion really can help go
a long way towards being present for yourself.
Because if you've noticed that people in your
life are not present for you then it
is doubly important for you to step up
and be present for yourself.
And there's a whole lot I could get
into that's kind of leans more into mental
health.
I you know I kind of just want
to leave it there for now but I
encourage you again if you're recognizing some patterns
and some behaviors you know maybe talk to
a trusted professional maybe learn a little bit
more about it maybe reach out to somebody.
What does that have to do with creating
space for yourself in a community and especially
during pride?
Well I'm going to get vulnerable here for
a moment and just share that this is
something that I've been struggling with this pride.
I live in a very rural community the
local queer community is not safe for me
because of some experiences I had with people
who are connected to it and being somebody
who pretty much appears cis.
I mean I pretty much you know I
cut my hair short but that's about it.
You know I I cannot medically transition right
now I can't do a lot of things
right now in regards to change making changes
and so pretty much you know I look
like the gender I was assigned at birth
and because of that I really struggle and
of course this goes back into you know
my own past and that but I really
struggle to feel connected and a part of
a community and so you start to say
things to yourself like oh it doesn't matter
you know oh it's okay you know I
I don't need to do that anyway you
start to dismiss some really serious is the
word that comes to mind but I don't
think that's what I'm looking for here some
really strong urges and really strong thoughts on
your part you start to dismiss that you
start to abandon yourself how do we not
do that how do we make space for
ourselves when we don't feel wanted by the
community we're trying to make space in well
the first step is simply admitting that you
belong nobody has a monopoly on pride pride
is a celebration there are non-queer people
at pride there are you know people from
all walks of life all across the gender
sexuality orientation spectrum there everybody belongs at pride
and so if you could just keep telling
yourself that not in a you know lying
to yourself sort of or you know trying
to change your thoughts but just just gently
reminding yourself hey you know nobody in spite
of what some groups may or may not
think nobody has a monopoly on pride that
means if you feel safe and able to
go to a celebration you know do so
if you want to do something small and
quiet at home something that's more personal less
public facing do that so once you admit
that you belong in a group you can
decide whether you want to claim public kinship
with that again you decide how much information
you disclose or don't disclose you decide what
you get to do for yourself that's how
we fight self-abandonment the other thing is
to understand that there will always be people
who try to claim ownership of a space
there will always be people and and and
at this point i'm stepping outside of just
talking about pride and going into you know
any group there will always be people who
will you know try to tell you that
you're taking up too much room who will
try to tell you that you don't belong
one of the things i've gotten really good
at in my five decades here on this
planet is to be comfortable just doing my
own thing now some of that's the autism
some of that is again location but i
mean and this podcast honestly is an example
of that so um you know if you
just get comfortable you know banging your own
drum as the saying goes and just doing
your thing and even though it's difficult to
remember just remembering that what other people think
of that reflects more on them than it
ever will on you the other thing i
would encourage you to do to avoid self
-abandonment is to really think about where that's
coming from and think about how you can
make that right with yourself i mean we
can't go back in time we can't fix
the things that we have happened to us
what we can do is make sure we
give ourselves compassion and love and understand for
example that that younger version of you that
didn't have their needs met that wasn't right
and that that you know happened and so
because of that you know you need to
give that younger person you know just the
same compassion you would give anybody that you
care about and again i know all of
this is easier said than done and i
am right there with you and working on
this every single day so when we make
that space for ourselves it's a matter of
also rethinking our ideas of community now we
may have an idea of community of how
we exist how we want to exist in
a space how we should exist in a
space what actually should happen when we're in
a space and a lot of times that's
not going to happen a lot of times
you know people everybody being individuals everybody having
free will that how we show up in
a space pretty much means that we're going
to have to deal with other people's actions
as well and the way other people may
affect our showing up in a space i
felt like i was talking in circles there
so i i apologize but i i think
what i'm trying to say is let go
of perceived you know connotations let go of
any perceived notions that this is how things
are going to go because we don't know
how the world how how day-to-day
minute-to-minute hour-to-hour things are
going to unfold in front of us i
don't think anybody has a crystal ball that
works 100 percent of the time i mean
even autistic pattern recognition gets it wrong from
time to time so i think the other
thing is in some respects to let go
of our cynicism and this could be the
hardest thing of all when you have been
excluded from spaces when you have been treated
very badly by individuals who maybe claim to
be a friend or maybe claimed to be
welcoming you know an organization that claims to
welcome everybody but then it's very obvious that
it's obvious that they don't want to make
accommodations for a disability it's obvious that they
don't want to you know welcome people who
maybe process things differently or even welcome people
who are outside their own experiences when that
happens it is very easy to fall into
the trap of cynicism you know my spouse
has a t-shirt we got it at
walmart and it looks like a review box
and it says you know people and then
you see one stars you know so it's
like it's it's very easy to dismiss the
whole human race with the zero stars or
a one star review but the truth is
is that when you put people in monolithic
blocks you diminish them and so in it's
this is something i need to remember um
as well that you know when you put
people in monolithic blocks you just diminish them
and so i would encourage you to understand
the harms that people can do but don't
be cynical about everybody acting the same way
now this doesn't dismiss anybody you know who
needs to look at the actions of themselves
their community make things right reparative justice that
certainly needs to come into play and the
more of that that happens frankly the better
we all think about other people in the
world around us but to simply pull yourself
away from a community because you think everybody
sucks that may be true on like a
small local level but certainly not on a
global or national level which brings us back
to the general topic of our podcast today
which is making space for yourself when you
don't feel wanted by a community when you
don't feel like you're a part of a
community and i think it comes back down
to being willing to sit with that loneliness
being willing to sit with those uncomfortable feelings
being willing to sit with the grief that
comes up when you're willing to do that
you start to become willing to accept your
own company now does this mean that things
you don't want things to change of course
not but what it does do is it
gets you comfortable holding space taking up space
and making space for yourself without anybody else
around and feeling like you belong and i
would encourage you to in this space to
start speaking your truth to start speaking authentically
to start identifying yourself as a member of
the community because the flip side of this
is that if somebody on the outside of
a community looks at a community and all
they see is kind of a monolith of
people who look the same act the same
think the same with subtle differences between them
then that is not doing a good service
for the community and that probably would be
a whole another topic of another podcast maybe
next year's pride i'll start making notes but
when you start saying hey i'm a member
of this community too you also hold up
a light for other people um i was
having trouble sleeping last night and i saw
the most beautiful post on blue sky from
a gentleman who was basically saying hey please
don't forget the trans men this pride and
really reminding everybody within that community that they
belong at pride that that they deserve the
same care and concern and not to be
erased as other members of the lgbtqia spectrum
and that's something i very much agree with
um but you know i read that beautiful
post and i shared it and i thought
got a little bit of traction online and
you know that little post that just saying
hey don't forget about us that really shone
a light that really shined a light and
allowed um you know made me feel better
i'm sure it made other people feel better
and that's why they shared the post there
was you know no negative replies there was
no negative mocking um to the post at
all and so when you show up in
a community and you show up as your
true authentic self even if it's your tiny
corner of a community then that is going
to help other people see that they belong
as well and when we think about it
the communities that we're in you know basically
a community is just each of us showing
up with our own tiny little corner and
when you put all those corners together it
makes something big and wonderful and so i
would encourage you that in the space that
in space that you have basically don't self
-abandon yourself don't dismiss your identities don't dismiss
your wants your needs your desires don't dismiss
those if loneliness if sadness comes up i
i encourage you to actually sit with that
and feel that and express that in whatever
way feels safest and best to you could
be a journal could be some form of
artwork could be talking that over with a
somebody you know a close person that you
trust or a professional but i guess where
i'm going with this is we have to
stand up for ourselves we have to stop
abandoning ourselves and when we do that we
automatically step into a space where we can
begin to create our own little corners of
communities thank you so much for listening to
this podcast as always it is a super
big help and i am extremely grateful anytime
you tell a friend about this podcast anytime
you like follow subscribe wherever you hear my
voice and if you would like to learn
more about how wild spirit storytelling and my
grief pathfinding method can help you with these
situations please reach out at feather main soul
.com i offer free connection calls you can
also email if that is you know more
accessible to you as well thank you so
much i hope you had a wonderful pride
and i will speak with you next week
you've been listening to the feathermane soul wisdom
podcast hosted by kit kaelstow learn more about
feathermane soul at feathermanesoul.com as a wild
spirit storyteller kit is passionate about helping those
who are neurodivergent disabled or living with chronic
illness rediscover their own inner wild spirit visit
feathermanesoul.com to receive free gifts or book
a free call with kit to discuss how
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